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I spelled Barak wrong when I wrote my first or second blog. I also spelled "smarmy" wrong. That bothers me.

I used to think I was sort of clever. Now I think I'm just dumb. I'm depressed and miserable. I do like the sound of the rain outside this Florida room.

Somebody just farted.

I'm burned out. In life. And I've made many attempts at optimism. None of them have taken yet. I'm at an age where I feel stuck. Trapped. All my sins of the past have come to collect and they aren't cheap.

I hate when people talk about Karma as a sort of cosmic revenge. The fact is you reap what you sow. Simple as that. I don't believe in Voodoo. And I don't believe in Karmic Voodoo.

I am currently experiencing the pain of pain I have inflicted, intentionally or otherwise. It is draining and painful beyond words. Confusing. Disorienting. Deflating. I am dealing with the consequences of my selfishness. I am feeling them and suffering as I see the suffering I have caused. Is there more to come? A Karmic force of retribution to bring on the ten plagues?

There are few things more painful than watching somebody you love suffer due to poor choices on your part. To see their tears and sorrow and know that it is now the necessary result of your own "sin". That there is little to do to ameliorate the pain. Their hell is your hell.

I don't take comfort that someday others who have caused me pain will hurt. I don't wish the man who killed my sister in a drunk driving accident any harm. I don't know how he lives with knowing the nature of his mistake.

Will Karma come back to haunt me because my last words to my conscious sister before the accident were "Shut up!" I wasn't mean to her on purpose. I'm not sure I was even mean. I was a frustrated kid. So was she.

I don't really find comfort in knowing things could be worse either. Every person's suffering is their own personal pain. This, realizing that a broken nail isn't a severed limb. I understand. It can help to know this for ourselves but for some reason hearing it from others is frustrating.

I'm angry at my own passivity. I read somewhere that much of our pain is self chosen. I believe that, but don't know exactly what to do with that information.

I have never been in season. My timing has always been impeccably horrible.

I can say with absolute authority that today I had some of the best southern cooking in my life. Thank you my anonymous friends for the hospitality and support. Karma will smile on you. But not tonight after those baked beans and potato salad.

I've been a drifter now for some time. I've had ambitions I think. Somewhere they stopped. I've always kind of admired engineers and prophets. Engineers always just seemed to know what they wanted, chose a clear educational path to get there, and started engineering. And God talked to prophets. He made it pretty clear as to their purpose. Even if it sucked. At least they knew they had His backing.

I like to do lots of things that lead to poverty. And vows of poverty isn't one of them.

I like to think that I'm a seeker but really I'm just lost. I'm looking around but my compass is increasingly internally directed and that's strangely nauseating.