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I spelled Barak wrong when I wrote my first or second blog. I also spelled "smarmy" wrong. That bothers me.

I used to think I was sort of clever. Now I think I'm just dumb. I'm depressed and miserable. I do like the sound of the rain outside this Florida room.

Somebody just farted.

I'm burned out. In life. And I've made many attempts at optimism. None of them have taken yet. I'm at an age where I feel stuck. Trapped. All my sins of the past have come to collect and they aren't cheap.

I hate when people talk about Karma as a sort of cosmic revenge. The fact is you reap what you sow. Simple as that. I don't believe in Voodoo. And I don't believe in Karmic Voodoo.

I am currently experiencing the pain of pain I have inflicted, intentionally or otherwise. It is draining and painful beyond words. Confusing. Disorienting. Deflating. I am dealing with the consequences of my selfishness. I am feeling them and suffering as I see the suffering I have caused. Is there more to come? A Karmic force of retribution to bring on the ten plagues?

There are few things more painful than watching somebody you love suffer due to poor choices on your part. To see their tears and sorrow and know that it is now the necessary result of your own "sin". That there is little to do to ameliorate the pain. Their hell is your hell.

I don't take comfort that someday others who have caused me pain will hurt. I don't wish the man who killed my sister in a drunk driving accident any harm. I don't know how he lives with knowing the nature of his mistake.

Will Karma come back to haunt me because my last words to my conscious sister before the accident were "Shut up!" I wasn't mean to her on purpose. I'm not sure I was even mean. I was a frustrated kid. So was she.

I don't really find comfort in knowing things could be worse either. Every person's suffering is their own personal pain. This, realizing that a broken nail isn't a severed limb. I understand. It can help to know this for ourselves but for some reason hearing it from others is frustrating.

I'm angry at my own passivity. I read somewhere that much of our pain is self chosen. I believe that, but don't know exactly what to do with that information.

I have never been in season. My timing has always been impeccably horrible.

I can say with absolute authority that today I had some of the best southern cooking in my life. Thank you my anonymous friends for the hospitality and support. Karma will smile on you. But not tonight after those baked beans and potato salad.

I've been a drifter now for some time. I've had ambitions I think. Somewhere they stopped. I've always kind of admired engineers and prophets. Engineers always just seemed to know what they wanted, chose a clear educational path to get there, and started engineering. And God talked to prophets. He made it pretty clear as to their purpose. Even if it sucked. At least they knew they had His backing.

I like to do lots of things that lead to poverty. And vows of poverty isn't one of them.

I like to think that I'm a seeker but really I'm just lost. I'm looking around but my compass is increasingly internally directed and that's strangely nauseating.

Juno the movie

When did kids start talking so smart? I don't know if it's because teaching special education has kind of lowered my standards or what, but it just seems like kids now are just more intelligent than when I was a kid. This Juno movie was great. Great acting. Comical. Cynical. Hopeful. A little schmarmy. I loved it. But when did kids start talking so smart? (I suppose I should say "intelligently", but I want to underscore my point with a bit of self effacing humor). Was it with Dawson's Creek? Or Buffy or maybe Veronica Mars?

I never talked so intelligently. Or maybe I did and the drugs just took their toll. Additionally, I could never be so comfortable with my status as a misfit. I didn't fit in and felt every moment of my outcast status acutely. And I just wanted to kick everyone's ass. My language was an extended expletive.

I think I am part of a really dumb generation with no real identity. Okay, the vast majority of my generation was dumb with a few really smart guys and girls that managed to change the face of the world as we knew it, such that I can function moderately well in it, but don't understand it worth a wink. How's that for a run on sentence?

So what I learned from the movie was that teenage pregnancy isn't that bad and can be fun and funny. And I feel richer for it. She didn't have an abortion. But it was clearly an option. And that's pretty fun too.

I forgot the point of my blog, but then I remembered the point of my blog thereby underscoring the point...that I think I'm dumb. I've become dumb. Even dumb kids on TV are more intelligent than I am. That's what I didn't like about Juno. It reminded me about being dumb. This is a dumb blog. You may well have just decreased two IQ points just by reading this. I'm sorry.

A Lay Man's View On the Recent New Hampshire Debates:

I watched the New Hampshire debates last night. Kind of. Several things struck me in the Republican debate. 1. I don't like Mitt Romney. He reminds me of an evil claymation mormon hellbent on the destruction of civilization as we know it. I know it's not fair to judge by looks, but I don't like his voice either. He talks all syrupy nice, but I bet that's the same voice he uses to lure unsuspecting children into his ice cream truck. (Well it would be if he drove an ice cream truck and had the urge to lure unsuspecting children...monster).
2. I don't even remember the name of the guy I really liked. Sure I could look it up now, but that's just what I'd have to do and that would defeat my point if I had one to make. He was an older guy who used to be a Libertarian. He talked sensibly but didn't really seem to have a plan...the other candidates just treated him like a fly. It was as if they were saying "yeah that's cute, what's yer name? but this isn't about facts and truth and intelligent dialogue, this is American politics...it's about the pretense of civility and pretending to have easy answers...not actual issues..." I liked that guy though but he doesn't have a prayer.
3. The guy from "Law and Order" was funny but seemed like a smug dickhead that you still kind of liked. He won't win though.
4.John McCain seems like he has been partially preserved with formaldehyde.
5. Giuliani seems like a closet Nazi...but at least he takes care of his mistresses.
6. Huckabee seemed pretty smart but it just took me a real long time to think of his name or face....come to think of it, they all kind of blurred into each other.
And finally...
7. I just wish someone would just use the word "Mexicans" when they're talking about illegal immigrants. That's what they're talking about. Keeping out the fucking Mexicans. And kicking out some of the ones that are already here. They're talking about building a wall between the US and Mexico so that's who they are referring to when they talk about "illegals". So somebody just fucking have the balls to say it. Pussy ass Nazi bastards.

And then there's the democrats. Hillary, Barack, Richardson, Edwards and whoever. I don't think there was anyone else. If there was, there won't be much longer. A few things stood out there as well.
1. Hillary is Hillary. But why is she the strong woman in one moment and the mock sad girl the next saying "That hurts my feelings". Somebody asked her how she felt essentially, about being less likable than Barak. This hurt her feelings. Hillary isn't likable. She's always seemed very forceful and driven, intelligent and ambitious, shrewd and calculating, never likable. So bite your pouting lip and be the avenging bitch superhero.
2. Barack is going to win. He's likable and has a deep voice.
3. John Edwards is kind of a pansy. I think he should be an interior designer.
4. Richardson is good but lacks charisma. And when I'm thinking about him now he looks more Republican.

These are not erudite thoughts. I know you were thinking they were. But they're not. I just wanted to give an average opinion of Juan Schmoe after watching some of the debates last night...To sort out my own thoughts about who I will be bitching about the next four years after not voting for any of them.

God Bless America

Whatever

So I up and did it. I started a blog. Whooppeee...

Ever the opportunist...quick to flow with the zeitgeist...eager to use the word 'zeitgeist"...
I chose "unelectable" as my title/name. My logic was as follows (if you care to read my logic), I have done journals before and inevitably when I reread them I flush with embarrassment over my lamitude.

I say things that, taken in context or out, would render me unelectable, unemployable and even unlikeable. I swear, I use racist terms in ways that I find amusing (I'm a half breed Mexican-Pollack). I vacillate between a religious/spiritual truth seeker and the anti-christ. And as I am rereading I realize that I'm not nearly as clever as I think I am when I am actually doing the writing. I whine and use bad grammar. I say "I" too much. I stutter. In summary, if the demon urge ever struck me to seek elected office, this blog would provide the script for my undoing.

You might be thinking, "Man, this guy thinks too much". You might be right. Chances are you aren't even reading this so spare me your judgments. After all, you can't judge a book by it's cover but you could cover a book with a judge, but they might not like it and nobody wants to offend a judge, so I wouldn't advise it.

And no, I didn't start a blog to give advice to wayfaring souls or to guide the misled. I might occasionally give advice, but you are not obliged to take it, especially if you don't read it. But please, if you aren't reading this right now, I urge you to reconsider. You might find it useful. It may even serve as a cautionary tale. You might see yourself in me. Or me in you....slow down, I don't even know your name.